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Archive for the Biblical Hotties Category

Biblical Hotties

Genesis Chapter 39

This is the story of Joseph’s rise and fall, in Potiphar’s house and in Potiphar’s custody.  Remember Potiphar is the captain of the guard, we learn in Gen 40:3 that Joseph is in custody in the house of the captain of the guard.  So Potiphar is not the captain of the Pharaoh’s military guard but of his prison guard!  And Joseph has gone from being a slave of Potiphar to being a prisoner of Potiphar.

We can assume that it took time for Potiphar to recognize that Joseph was good at what he was told to do.  So over time he gained favor in the eyes of Potiphar.  He did diligent work, and his master saw this.  The Word of God attributes Joseph’s capacity to work to YHWH.  But just like Jacob, Joseph’s father, I would not be surprised that shear human capacity would be effective.  When Jacob becomes rich off of Laban, it is not due to YHWH.  And we can be sure that Joseph learned a thing or two from his father, both about work ethics and about tending flocks.  Basically, Joseph was prepped by his childhood to succeed. 

Due to the “good looks the Lord gave” Joseph, Potiphar’s wife began to notice him; she wanted to have sex with him.  Rich woman and slaves, common story!  Day after day she would ask, and Joseph would deny her.  He denies her by bragging about his position in the house.  His pride does not help the situation, which would only make her want him all the more.  There is no fury like a woman scorned!  She sets a trap by sending all the servants away except Joseph.  Then she approached him and attempted to seduce him.  She fails, but in the attempt has his cloak.  Miraculously the other servants hear her scream, at her failure.  In her scorn, she devices to tell Potiphar that Joseph was the one who tried to sex with her. 

For some reason, Potiphar believes his wife.  Wouldn’t you think that she had tried to have extra-marital affairs before?  Don’t you think that he would not know about this?  But he is furious with Joseph.  Even though by this time, Joseph has been in the household for a number of years.  So Potiphar puts Joseph under house arrest!  Potiphar’s house is the prison that Joseph is in!  When you realize this, of course the warden likes Joseph.  He has seen everything that Joseph has done since Potiphar bought him as a slave!  And I would not be surprised if the warden did not know the truth about Potiphar’s wife, to boot.  As a result, the warden takes advantage of having someone he trust.  Joseph becomes the warden’s right hand man, just like he had been Potiphar’s right hand man.

If the Christians would recognize that Joseph was never moved out of the same compound (Potiphar’s house), they would recognize that YHWH was not responsible for anything that happened to Joseph!  His brother’s anger sold him into slavery, his hard work paid off in Potiphar’s house and prison.  The only thing that remains a mystery is why did Potiphar buy Joseph?  But the Word of God is completely silent on this topic.







Isaac and Abimelech

Genesis Chapter 26

For some odd reason, the editors of the NIV believe that this Abimelech and Phicol are not the same as in chapter 20.  Yet, we know that Abraham lived for 175 years, and only 2 of the men in Isaac’s lineage from Shem had passed away. We are talking about 10 generations of Isaac’s parents are still alive.  When Jacob was born 4 men of those generations were still alive.  Why can’t Abimelech and Phicol be the same men in both chapter 20 and 26?  Not a single man in from Noah to Abraham lived less than 148 years.  YHWH did not follow his decree from Genesis 6:3! 

The interaction between Isaac and Abimelech was similar to Abraham’s experience.  Isaac, also, believes that since he is married to a HOT woman, everyone will try to take her from him by force.  It begins with Isaac lying about his relationship with his wife.  This time Abimelech is smarter and does not fall for the trap.  In fact, he makes a decree that if any man molests either Isaac or Rebekah they will be put to death.  Abimelech learned his lesson well from Abraham treachery!

Conflicts arise between Isaac and Abimelech’s peoples.  In the end Abimelech asks Isaac to move away.  But everywhere his servants (slaves) did wells the resident claim the well as their own.  Isaac continues to move, his slaves did a well, and then move farther away.  He finally finds a well at Beersheba that he can use.  Could this be the exact same well that YHWH showed to Hagar and where Abimelech made a treaty with Abraham in chapter 21?  Most likely!

The chapter ends with Esau marrying 2 Hittites.  One named Judith and the other Basemath.  Isaac and Rebekah, being good YHWH fearing parents, are sorely distraught.  They would much prefer that their sons would marry Rebekah’s nieces, just like Jacob will do in chapter 29!  And we know that Laban is the son of Nahor.  Just to remind you, Nahor is the brother of Abraham and the son of Terah.  Terah was an idolater of the moon god Sin.  So what exactly makes inbreeding the proper religious practice for YHWH?  Since both Laban and the Hittites were idolaters, what makes one family better than the other?  So Isaac and Rebekah are bigots and hypocrites, just like Abraham!

Genesis Chapter 12

     The first part of chapter 12 is where YHWH makes his promise to Abram.  Part of this promise is a command to leave his father’s home.  Now remember that Terah also left his parents to go to Canaan, but that was after Abram was married to Sarai.  So now YHWH commands Abram to leave Haran and continue to voyage to Canaan.  This really isn’t much of a challenge.  Most of Abram’s family is still in Ur of Chaldeans.  The promise made is to bless Abram and make his name great.  It also includes the promise to bless all mankind through Abram’s offspring.  Since YHWH knows that he will one day have sex with Mary to produce his son, this promise is also a reverence to what will happen in the future.  This is the first verse that indicates that YHWH has no problem with slaves as well.  Read the following verse and see for yourself:

Gen 12:5 He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated, and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

     The part about the people they had acquired in Haran, indicates slaves.  How many people use the term “acquired” to indicate employees?

     So the place that YHWH directs Abram has a famine.  Don’t you find it amazing that an all-powerful creator would send his minion to a place that has a drought?  It seems to me like bad planning on an omniscient being to choose a place that is prone to famines for his favored people.  The famine causes Abram to go down to Egypt. 

     Here is the first case of lying in the Word that YHWH does not punish.  When Abram gets to Egypt he is worried about his life, he believes that someone might kill him and take his barren, old, but HOT, wife from him.  So this lie gains Abram lots of sheep, cattle, donkeys, menservants, maidservants, and camel.  In fact, instead of punishing Abram for lying, YHWH punishes the Pharaoh’s household for trusting Abram.  So Pharaoh allows Abram keep everything that was given to him on bad faith.  Wow!  I guess when YHWH loves you nothing matters.  You can sin all you want and get stolen goods from it as well!

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